How I Discovered Running …

The first time I remembered running, adrenaline, endorphins on high alert, lungs working in full force, arms and legs feeling like dead weight was at 7 years old. That was the day Edmund’s sexual abuse took my virginity.

It actually started out as a walk of bewildered shame, and in the midst of this foggy mindset of not knowing where to go, or what to do I ended up doing a shortcut next to my brother Eric’s friend house, the drizzle from the sky that matched the tears behind my eyes started to get stronger. I was startled out of my zombie like state, by one of his dogs, who got loose and bit me on my leg. I stared at him not in anger or fear but in wonder… why are you biting me as you know who I am. I read the response loud and clear from those beautiful brown eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. When I saw you running past me, scared, lost, and crying, I did not know how else to stop you. Please take me with you, I’m here to protect you.”

I knelt to cup his face reassuring him that I am not upset, and he did not hurt me. I urged him to go home and I watched, looked back to make sure he followed my directions. He did, with hesitation and I picked up my feet off the pavement, drawing from the multitude of emotions that I have encountered and the trauma I endured and in, what usually was a few miles of distance, felt like mere seconds. I landed my feet on the doorstep of our neighborhood church. I contemplated whether I should seek refuge there (or if it was even open) or to brave the elements on the basketball court or playground located next to it. I took my chance and the door creaked open. I walked in and sat down at first not wanting to sit so close to the altar for fear, shame, and guilt, but my legs coaxed me to the first row. I sat down, collapsed, and composed at the same time in a sobbing heap. I did not want to disturb the peaceful sanctuary but at the same time embraced the echo of my cries. My knees buckled, my calves stiffened, my arms and hands both embracing my young body, clutching for dear life, my chest rising and falling in rapid speed and slow pace, gasping for breath. I wanted so badly to stop but I did not and let myself go.

As painful as it is to recall how I discovered running, it is also a blessed reminder of how it has saved me, shaped me, help me cope in stressful situations. It has provided me with the therapeutic escape to ease my anxiety and ADHD. It has taught me valuable life lessons, one of my favorites: “You Are IN CONTROL of Your Own Heaven and Hell”-You are the master of your own destiny. You may not always be able to control your circumstances and environment, but how you respond is always within your control.” The physical and emotional aspect of running impacts my life each time I lace up. I have learned to celebrate my triumphs, forgive myself, accept defeat, move on, JUST BE, LET GO and LOVE MYSELF. Being grateful to recognize the balance between loving and yes sometimes dreading the sport is one I do every single time I look outside or at my running shoes. Despite of horrific start of my running journey, allowing myself to recognize all the wonderful things it has given and continue to gift me is why I will always identify myself as a RUNNER….one who is also a Resilient Survivor.

UNCERTAIN=A Wicked Version of Wednesday

I would like to say it started at 10:51 but really it began the moment my alarm went off at 6:30 am. The uncertain feeling of “Do I want to run this morning?” Yes, I had the mindset last night as I was falling asleep. however, it shifted and continued to follow and loom over me until now. My fingers typing away the hoping that with each click of the keyboard it shakes off. My brain, connected to my feelings and emotions, each movement I do even coming out in an uncertain way. The easiest task of shutting off the alarm was even a question.

Google asked me to “Choose the Right Synonym for uncertainty

doubt, dubiety skepticism, suspicion, mistrust, mean lack of sureness, about someone or something

may range from a falling short of certainty to an almost complete lack of conviction or knowledge especially about an outcome or result

Well I will take both. Its July 1, the beginning of a new month and for me the beginning of anything brings on eagerness, anticipation, excitement, uncertainty, and hope. I am (SHIFT STARTING) sure I will choose the one that starts with U. There is many things looming in my head regarding: Work/Career, Body/Physical wellbeing, Mental wellness, Relationships/Love.

In the last 10 minutes of writing this blog. a slow shift in my thoughts has started toward the opposite of just that. A small (yet definitive) feeling of faith has entered my body. Perhaps it is the sound of the ocean I am listening to or seeing the background of water on my screensaver.

IN CERTAINTY (YES with a smile) KNOW THAT how absolutely and perfectly okay it is to feel this way and SIT in the emotion. The discovery of being in this moment and figuring out how to let it ride out in my own way has brought me to the end of feeling HOPE. In this present time at 11:21, I will make this my option.

54 Inspirational Yoga Quotes (Ready for Social Media Sharing)

And Just Like That I’m 2 Years, 3 months and 7 days Sober….(Insert celebration emoji!!)

#wearetheluckiest

I saw Laura McKowen’s book as a recommended read from an Instagram influencer. I’d heard about it but now I’m curious. Debating on getting the book for myself, audible (so I can listen to it while running), download on my IPAD, buying the hardback or even borrowing from the library. I wanted the book BAD so when I called the library, lo and behold, they had a copy and I was the first one to check it out. I was so grateful to the person holding the book for me you would have thought I won a prize no one else knew about. Well I did…you could say I won the price to be amongst the luckiest.

#wearetheluckiest

On January 4, 2018, I knelt on my knees and gave up, gave in and decided I’m going to give this my all. I was done living (or dying) inside. My day to day hamster wheel of life consisted of working (in a haze), running (in a haze), doing yoga (in a haze), sleeping, barely eating (when I needed a break from drinking or as an excuse to drink more). This groundhog day lifestyle was an ongoing record with a few added themed tracks (getting a DUI in two states, arrested for being drunk in public and illegal substances). There were the really scratchy tracks that consisted of yelling, screaming, raging because I was coming off, and needing more) The slower tracks (driving with a liquor bottle hidden in my purse, under the seat, in between the seat console, really anywhere “inconspicuous”). The happy, upbeat tracks (at the second/maybe third drink or shot of something that resulted in both burning and numbness) Smiles, shrieking laughter, dancing and even clapping. Then came the melancholy melodies (tearjerkers sometimes toward the end, and sometimes in the very beginning, even before the liquid hit my lips). Hopeless, Defeated, Ashamed, Exhausted, Broken and Bottomed Out, my sobbing cries, my shaking body, my shaking voice asked God for help. I feared the words because I didn’t know if I was deserving of the help, or if he was listening. I did deserve it and he listened.

#wearetheluckiest

In the next two years, my life evolved. Its still a record (of course with the change of time digitized in a different form) however its still has the tracks. The first few had me getting out of my comfort zone and slowly opening up to people, situations, places to which was completely foreign to me (though in hindsight I truly believe they were always there just not in the way I saw them now).

The next several tracks gave me back the strength, motivation, perseverance to get through and continue moving toward the lucky light. Challenging circumstances (losing and not having a job, financial insecurity, moving homes and living a gypsy life, onset panic attacks and and sleepless nights, navigating newfound emotions (yet again always present though never addressed nor wanted to sit through), Making amends to my loved ones for the destruction they witnessed and were part of .

In the ending tracks, the theme of acceptance can be heard loud and clear. In Psychology there is an acronym often said for anyone going through grief. The 5 stages of losing someone or something, DABDA… Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

On my knees I lost myself in the throes of substance. In grieving the loss of my former self, I also lost my supposed friend/ally/confidante..Alcohol. I was in such great denial that I am a person who just can’t drink. My anger rose from within with questions of why me? I bargained the idea of maybe controlling the use of it. Depression came down on me at the very moment of realizing that for me, its not an option. I gifted myself the very deserving ACCEPTANCE on my second birthday. How lucky am I to be sitting here, sharing my story, reading others (this book was not an easy read, it brought back memories, made me feel vulnerable, emotional and through the resonating moments in each page, I cried, smiled and even laughed.)

We all have our stories, our records, our paths..Be proud of how far you’ve come, look forward to how much more you will accomplish and Be Excited to Continue Toward Your OWN Version of Healing.

**Forward

You only need to focus on one little step forward. You don’t need to conquer the entire mountain right now. You don’t need to have everything figured out today. The only possible way to climb a mountain is by climbing it one step at a time. Don’t think about the peak, don’t worry about what may come later. Instead, focus on the one little step in front of you. The rest will come when its time. For now, its just one little step.

-Nikki Banas